[] CaNDLe []

Im an absolute early-rise-almost-no-sleep person... Ive slept at about 12 and woke up at exactly {acc to my computer} 2:38... I have not even complied with half the normal-correct sleeping hours which is 8 ... Im not insomiac because I can sleep but I might just be used in waking up so early... I wonder when and why it started but its not fun going online at this time... because I get bored... No people to talk to... No music to listen to { my sound card is still broke... grr }... Not even a person in ragnarok to play with... hai...

Later... about 2 hours from now...{ it already 5:33.. I got reminded Im doing a post a while ago}We might be up to go to papi cio's house { a friend... Ronin} We plan to go to E.K. with our ragnarok buddies { Ronin!} today... Papi Tiki... Rex... Tine... Ate Shei... Kuya sher... Gudo... Ate Beh... Ate Marife... and some other people... This must be fun... its my 2nd time to join the band to go somewhere... and as far as Im concerned I believe this will be a hell of a day... specially with them who are very fond of fun...

Now ... before I get too excited... Im placing myself back to sanity to post this entry... Ive read an emo-ish poem yesterday and I cannot remember how it went... but all it says is... he hates his life and he chose to like to end it... with a line saying something like... I choose to put out the flame in my own candle... it is from katukayo {a letran scroll press...}...

Ive been saying for so many times... that it is so hard to be a "me"... living in my life is something outrageous... So many goals to put through... So many lives to take into... So many lies to speak through... So many things to hide into... Ive gone insane thinking... Am I person who makes my life too difficult or is it simply my own destiny to be placed in such a life I am obliged to live in? I cannot give in to my thoughts thinking... this is all a mistake... I know Ive been born to handle matters such as these... but its simply odd to live in it... when I know... It is to hard to handle and operate... Sometimes, you would almost think, it is impossible to push through with it...

I want to die... that is how I want to say it... I hate living in my life and if ever Im asked to live in it again I choose to stay away from it and live another... a normal life... Im not saying it is bad to be a little different... but it is hard to be different... living with people who are not like you... you'll eventually realize... You are so out of place and you'll fall on your knees saying... I cannot survive... I cannot think a single reason to say it is fun being me... well... it is fun having people around you to comfort you but having yourself like this... is another thing...

I might not survive being me... I might break through the morning as it dawns to rise... I might turn into a rest to plea my self from the friction of having a being... It is not good to be me... It is hard... It is not right to think Im having fun with it... cause it is not... Im restless and shadowed , by my own, Im weak... Ive gone too weak to live in it... and at last... 'till a long wasted life... I'll be just like the person in Katukayo... I chose to like to end my life...

I choose to put out the flame in my own candle...

scion

[] Me BuT NoT Me []

It is 4:48 in the morning... I woke up cause its to too cold... I want to go back to sleep after turning off the electric fan... BUT... I CANT! You know the feeling of having a restless eye that does not want to sleep? It hurts... I feel tired... What a lucky guy you have here today...

I have been so unlucky as I for long my stay in college... I feel the pressure of being a student... I hate it... I hate commuting to school { cause my class is 8:00 , I dont have anyone to ride me to school anymore}... I hate going up and down the stairs every after class{ Ive been used to staying in a room for a long time cause teachers are the one who go to rooms in high school}, I hate enlisting and being able to choose your schedule { Its better off having an assigned room... cause I missed my major class in crs and I might be one of the people running through the halls of AS [near the cr] doing my manual enlistment}... I hate a teacher { sometimes you can't believe teachers... specially when they give you a 5... a 5? as if Ive done nothing... to add more to that I saw my test papers and Ive not failed even once... where did that 5 came from? I oathed to react/ battle /change that specially cause my other grades came too nice... I cant allow the fool to destroy the art in my grade sheet... hmmm}

See... Haven't I been a jynx-kid? Life has been unfair to me... hmmm... I've been a nice good person... Why can't I simply get an equal goodness to pay off for my angelic deeds? It takes too much to accomplish something good, don't they know that? at least a little insentive... please...

Ive been burning time doing everything... It might not be visible... but little by little Im resembling a GC person... Im changing my life... Im giving more time/ effort in my study... but what is happening? Im going down more often because of the stupid goal of achieving an honor... Here is a negative side effect approaching me... because Im turning to GC my standards are higher... means that the chance of failure and disappointment gets higher too... If I was abram-abram... I must not have bothered... and just go on with my life... but its not abram-abram anymore... its abram-gc-abram... 2 letters is a big difference you know... add the additional "-" too...

I hate it... But I'll continue... Im proving something here... I'll eventually see my name at those paper near the entrance to the boy's cr{ I dont understand why the university values the cr and they keep posting things there}... someday... You'll see... hmm... for now... I got to move another step forward... next week is enrollment day... and by that time Im going to transform again....

GC mode...


scion

[] oPeRaTioNaL []

It has been long since I last posted... Everything, well as I surf through the blogs of my "kasabayans", has grown so much... I think my blog is too left away cause of my busy life... I almost forgot my password to open my account... thanks god my brain has not failed serving me rightly...

Well, it’s been a long restless life... Just like anyone else, I’ve got things oathed to be done... And I’ve served this lifetime so much; I forgot that more than this life... I also have my OWN life... I feel so stupid acting to fit-in in this world... My every action, as might also be like anyone, is subjected to other people's actions... Everything is like a domino effect that, to what position your block will fall depends on how the block before you bumps you... Why must we go with the flow? Follow the path through which everything has been going to? Do what the world has always done?

Can't we at least, for just some time, look into ourselves and say... “I’ve done it because I want it..."? Going to school... Doing your school work... Listening to pop music... dressing to what is prescribed... Part-taking over all the earthly pleasures and discomforts... This is the life... We go with the flow... simply because someone likes it... its popular... its in demand... we go for it... It is human nature to be absurd... to live in a life they do but don’t believe... I’ve seen people yearning to do everything in this life... forgetting their own life... and yet realizing in the end... they've not done anything that the world may be proud of... because they simply have been the same victims of the world's trickery game...

I’m looking up to those persons who have done their own way of making a difference... people who does not rest themselves to what the population tells them what is... They stand and speak up... act to what they desire and what they want to do... to live their own life in this life... to show the people that going out of the box is an adventure worth trying... and that a step out of it is a hundred folds better than hours of staying inside it...

I cannot believe for my own that I’m a victim just like anyone else... I’m a deviant... and hate to follow the path through which everyone takes step into... but living in this world is making me forget my own life... that I simply live it as this life... I want to make my own path yet as much as I do it the greater the force I am diverted back to the default path.... This blog.... I consider this an epitome of my being a deviant... speaking of being out of the box... even the act of having one is something I consider as having my own life... some friends ask me... Why do a blog? Well... answer is... coz I’m living my own life...

I’m dormant... I’ve labeled myself as a blogger told me I am... Offensively thinking... I’m a shameful... for some time now... I’ve subjected myself to the world's trickery game... I’ve played so much that I have been addicted doing it and forgetting... I’ve got a life to work on to.... So here I am... going back to where I’ve left... Building up something the world did not push me to do... the blog is now back online.... Remember... It’s not being the best person to live great in this life... but it’s the person that’s living that simple own life...

===================
The Blog is now Operational
===================

scion