One and a half Scribbling...

The last thing I would ever want to feel is to be alone. Who would want to feel that cold air as it touches your skin - piercing you through the bones? Who would want to embrace the darkness in its fullness - killing the life out of you? Who would want to feel the nausea of loneliness - crushing your heart's rhythm?

But tonight.... as I touch this keys I feel it all... and I am lost into the music once more - the symphony... it resounds itself through the walls of my room... and I could not rest back to clear it all because I am hurt... hurt in the faintest sense... hurt without the bruises and blood. But the pain... it swells more than anything I can imagine.. I feel uneasy... nearing the point of insanity... I could not think... I could not breath.. I could not feel... I turned numb in this few seconds I feel this very pain.

How ironic could things get? get hurt and be numb? how could I ever feel the pain if I can't even feel anything? or was I stuck with the pain all along which made me think that I am numb - for it is the only thing I feel right now? To which am I numb? to the pain I could not resist? or the world that tries to embrace me? Or is it the case that I am actually insane right now? Am I even making sense?

I am actually writing this without any basic purpose. I just wanted to release this pain. I would want to express it out so that it won't envelope me through out. All I want is to understand it all... I want to get the time to digest it all... I am lost... lost...

All I know is that I am sad... and what may be more to that I would want to know.  

To that Lady I Owe So Much

I've always been asked to wait for that one person that could make me happy. It was a hard journey to bump into people that you thought was the one - but in the end, it turned out that they never fit. It would hurt after that realization. We would not know where to go or what to do. We would feel alone during those glimpse of the memories where they made us smile.

I've gone through it all. I've tried paths which seems to go to a green land - but it turned out the place was simply too crowded for two. I've sailed to coasts where I thought people could wait - but it turned out it was simply just too far to even be heard. I've walked into places where things seems alright - but it turned out things weren't as easy to understand as it seemed to be. The journey was indeed hard. We needed to endure the pain of every heart breaks, and to learn from those where we've been. But the hardest of all is finding yourself willing to walk again. There was no certainty on which end we have to go. However, one cannot just stay put trying to rationalize a past. We have the capacity to forget and understand an end - where we realize that it was a misjudgement on our part to fall for the wrong person.

The search starts again and one would grow exhausted ending up  with the same old circle. Nevertheless, one should not wither because journeys are meant to end. We'll reach a dead end where we'll meet that person that would make us happy. We should not expect her to be perfect - no one is. But, what is perfect is the union that you both have. This is when,even with our imperfections, we feel complete. Every person is a half, indeed. We fill in each other's incapacities - and within the populace, there is simply one that exactly fits and forms what we may call a perfect circle.

And tonight, as I write this, I am eager for people to undersantd one thing. I've actually found the one that fits - the one that makes my circle perfect. This circle that is not just mine to keep, but for both of us to nourish. It is not just because of what she could do to me, but also, what I think I could do to her. When not only a part is heeded but the whole;when not only a  half counts but one; when not only one cares but both, this is when we understand that we've actually made it.

And to you my dear, nothing is more appropriate for me to say than what I actually feel and is willing to show and tell you for the rest of my life....

 I love you.

Free Fall

I do not know what I am actually feeling right now. It is a mixed emotion of happiness, sadness, anger and bitterness. The earth seems to stare at me in agony. Shaken by the tombstone of a dead corpse, I begin to fall into my knees and cry in despair. The Darkness shining on my feet seems to draw the lucid image of a grim - a forsaken child taken away from his innocence.

 

The thunder echoes back and forth as it moves the sweat off my face. I could not smile anymore. The echo has distorted my view and not even the faintest light could I recognize. The stench of blood engulfed me into a sensational out pour. It pushed me away - as if trying to set me free of this encumber. But, with my last flicker of strength, I shooed it off into the wind of that darkest night. And, as the silence envelopes this place of misery into an unknown symphony, I screamed a resounding noise. Stricken in amazement, the place grew cold and everything is eaten into a back drop of opaque shades of black and white.... 

After everything, I woke up breathing heavily and feeling a fist clenching my heart ... and found myself lost... indeed, I am lost. 

KFC Dinner after Elections * Despedida for Paula V. * Visit Iyatot Project

Roentgen Night Out Reunion - JoPao's House

With Iankee.. Brobs... Dan.. Aze... Jhec... Pade... Pao... and me...

Magdamagang gising.. naggagaguhan... nag-dota.. naglakad sa kalsada ng bagsak ang mata.. kumain... uminom.. at umuwi...

UP KaPiTas February - KNL Booth * Batch Discussion * Tambayan Escapades

Notes:

* Justin B. is gay....
* Nasa isang bahay sila ni Usher.. omg...
* Nakaka-miss sumigaw for yesthursday...
* Ito po ang.. yes.. yes...yesthursday... ang susunod na up fair event......
* Kapitas is a block voting organization... the more you buy.. the more we vote...
* Kaya nga daw ni Cess dilaan yung siko nya.. as in..
* Bawal magiwan ng gamit sa tambayan.. inuubos ng tao.. *lol*

I will vote for MARA FAVIS as PHILO DEP REPRESENTATIVE!! *thumbs up*

I tried to write in English.. pero BUMAGSAK sa filipino...

The wait was too long... and it ended up too fast... So... this is how it felt... I am saddened by the fact that im not that good enough for such an easy exam... or probably... its just all about the quota... nevertheless, i cant deny the fact that those that passed are better... but, probably, not that much... better... but not way overboard...

Tama... hindi na nga ako ang iskolar... I flunked big time... bragging rites off... meet reality... you're a normal kid now... adult actually... Gustong gusto ko pa naman ang euphoria ng pagpasa... mukhang napagkaitan ako ngayon... yung lamig sa dibdib at ung taas ng balahibo sa kamay... yung ngiti sa mukha na parang di mawawala... pero ito na nga... first time mong bumagsak sa isang bagay na gustong gusto mo... sana pala... hindi na lng ako nag entrance nung highschool at college sa magandang eskwelahan... para naman lahat ng swerte ko dito ko binuhos... pero ganun tlga... malas ako ngayon...

Tama... hindi ko na alam ang susunod... planado kasi lahat eh... kumuha ng law sa UP... maging lawyer... at maging magaling sa pagiging ganon... pero... ito na nga... hindi na nga pwede... sabi ni mama.. kuha na daw ako sa ibang school... pero... hindi ko alam... meron kasing ibang feeling sakin na nagsasabing gusto ko tlga dun eh.. at kung nd dun.. wag na lang...

Tama... nakakatawa na iniisip ng lahat na dapat ay umiyak ako... ang pinagkwekwntuhan pa nga sa bahay ay yung mga nagpapakamatay dahl sa  bagsak.. punto nanaman yung family friend namin na si kuya jay... muntikin mo ba namang naglakad from UP law to luneta.. ng di nya inaasahan... umiiyak daw kc tapos lakad lang.. nagulat na lang cya nasa bay walk na siya... dapat daw ganun ang ma feel ko... tapos parang lahat ni yakap na ako para daw ma comfort.. pero di talaga.. di ko makuhang lumuha over it... siguro ganito ako kamanhid... okay lang kasi tlga... well hindi okay.. pero... wala naman tayo magagawa.. so we have to live with it... besides.. kung iiyak man ako.. dun na lang sa bar exam... well.. that is... kung kukuha pa talaga ako ng bachelor degree sa laws...

Tama.. malaking tama nga naman... tanga na nga daw ako sabi ng aking ama... well... kasi naman lintik na mga entrance exams yan noon.. at isang magandang academic track record... nag-expect tuloy yung matanda ng sobra sobra... kaya yun bad trip... so what.. wala akong balak i-please sya... besides kung cya ang kukuha.. i bet di pa nya matatapos un.. kesyo daw di daw ako umuuwi kaya di ako pumasa.. or baka daw nag-drugs.. or baka daw... aiwan ko... Doy! i can say tinino ko yung LAE noh... ginawa ko ang lahat.. kung di mo ma-realize un.. sorry ha... di naman kasi ako perpekto... tao lang ako... at noon.. taong kayang ipasa ang lhat kahit walang ginagawa... ngayon.. sa mata mo... taong di pumasa sa lae.. period... WHO FUCKING CARES?

oh well... tuloy tayo... ano na nga ba ang nawala... well... bye sa isang pangarap na noong bata ko pa naiisip... bye sa mga araw na naisip na nagbabasa sa may UP lib para makatapos ng case studies sa law...bye sa kayabangang ipinagsusumigaw ko... bye sa pagiging virgin sa pagbagsak sa bagay na gusto ko... bye sa lahat lahat ng pinagdaanan.. bye na nga...

kukuha ba ako uli.. di ko alam.. baka.. aiwan... saka na... hay nako... ganun talga....

Isang bote session lang.. at iba na ang nasa isip ko... as in talaga... ang gago nga lang.. dahl napapasulat ako ng ganito dahl gusto ko lang maglabas ng frustration.. ito.. sisigaw na.... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
*hinga*
 as in wala na talaga... at para sa aking napakamahal na bata... hindi talaga ako iiyak... hindi talaga... see? sigaw na lang ako uli...
*hinga*
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

pero sa lahat lahat ng ito... isa lang nmn ang nakakainis... as in sobra... hindi na sa makapasa sa law eh.. hindi na rin sa maipagyabang ang sarili.. wala rin sa pagiging birhen sa pagbagsak sa mga entrance exam... ang masakit.. as in sobra...

PAALAM SA KOTSE NA DAPAT BIBILHIN NA...
di pasado eh.. pasensyahan na lang...
DAMN!
*face on palm*

01-29-10 UP KaPiTas ACLE Avatar: More than the Pandora Project

Notes:

- Merong UP Fair sa maniwala ka man at sa hindi...
- Yesthursday ang may pinakamagandang line up... at ang "parkoya"(parokya) ay naka lock out performance... at kami lang din daw ang may fire works from dragon fireworks...
- Kuya: Puno na kayo? Luz: Opo Kuya: Avatar kasi eh... (mamatay ka sa inggit) *lol*
- Nauuso nanamn ang mascot-like actions at pag-pro-promote ni Mags.. In ka ba?
- Kapag "We" merong relationship yung mga taong gnagamitan nun.. di ba shims?
- Artista na si Drew.. IKEEE.. Ung BF ng pubcom head sikat na...
- Hindi pinagcocompare ang idea ng mga taong magkaiba ang contexto... Apps ha.. lalo na magkaibang field...
- Wala akong flash.. sayang ung Sunken Escapades kinagabihan... *sob*

Restless and in Discomfort...

It seems like the longest night...
As I lay back in my bed...

Watching the light as it flickers...
Entertaining myself with the resounding silence...
Shaking the shivers off my feet...
Brushing my hand through the linen cloth...
Breathing in a perfect rhythm - deep and grasping..
Listening to that which pounds inside of me...
Feeling much awe and weight...
Trying to catch a level of drowsiness...
Failing at trying the previous...
Screaming in a sound that echoes nowhere but in me...
Thinking... Thinking more.. and thinking too much...

It is you that runs in my mind...
It is you that I want to hold...
It is you that I want to see...
It is you that I want to hear...
It is you that I love...

and tonight, as I wait too long to end...
this poem shall serve...
with all its wrong meters and rhymes...
the feeling I have whenever I'm not with you...