[] CaNDLe []

Im an absolute early-rise-almost-no-sleep person... Ive slept at about 12 and woke up at exactly {acc to my computer} 2:38... I have not even complied with half the normal-correct sleeping hours which is 8 ... Im not insomiac because I can sleep but I might just be used in waking up so early... I wonder when and why it started but its not fun going online at this time... because I get bored... No people to talk to... No music to listen to { my sound card is still broke... grr }... Not even a person in ragnarok to play with... hai...

Later... about 2 hours from now...{ it already 5:33.. I got reminded Im doing a post a while ago}We might be up to go to papi cio's house { a friend... Ronin} We plan to go to E.K. with our ragnarok buddies { Ronin!} today... Papi Tiki... Rex... Tine... Ate Shei... Kuya sher... Gudo... Ate Beh... Ate Marife... and some other people... This must be fun... its my 2nd time to join the band to go somewhere... and as far as Im concerned I believe this will be a hell of a day... specially with them who are very fond of fun...

Now ... before I get too excited... Im placing myself back to sanity to post this entry... Ive read an emo-ish poem yesterday and I cannot remember how it went... but all it says is... he hates his life and he chose to like to end it... with a line saying something like... I choose to put out the flame in my own candle... it is from katukayo {a letran scroll press...}...

Ive been saying for so many times... that it is so hard to be a "me"... living in my life is something outrageous... So many goals to put through... So many lives to take into... So many lies to speak through... So many things to hide into... Ive gone insane thinking... Am I person who makes my life too difficult or is it simply my own destiny to be placed in such a life I am obliged to live in? I cannot give in to my thoughts thinking... this is all a mistake... I know Ive been born to handle matters such as these... but its simply odd to live in it... when I know... It is to hard to handle and operate... Sometimes, you would almost think, it is impossible to push through with it...

I want to die... that is how I want to say it... I hate living in my life and if ever Im asked to live in it again I choose to stay away from it and live another... a normal life... Im not saying it is bad to be a little different... but it is hard to be different... living with people who are not like you... you'll eventually realize... You are so out of place and you'll fall on your knees saying... I cannot survive... I cannot think a single reason to say it is fun being me... well... it is fun having people around you to comfort you but having yourself like this... is another thing...

I might not survive being me... I might break through the morning as it dawns to rise... I might turn into a rest to plea my self from the friction of having a being... It is not good to be me... It is hard... It is not right to think Im having fun with it... cause it is not... Im restless and shadowed , by my own, Im weak... Ive gone too weak to live in it... and at last... 'till a long wasted life... I'll be just like the person in Katukayo... I chose to like to end my life...

I choose to put out the flame in my own candle...

scion

[] Me BuT NoT Me []

It is 4:48 in the morning... I woke up cause its to too cold... I want to go back to sleep after turning off the electric fan... BUT... I CANT! You know the feeling of having a restless eye that does not want to sleep? It hurts... I feel tired... What a lucky guy you have here today...

I have been so unlucky as I for long my stay in college... I feel the pressure of being a student... I hate it... I hate commuting to school { cause my class is 8:00 , I dont have anyone to ride me to school anymore}... I hate going up and down the stairs every after class{ Ive been used to staying in a room for a long time cause teachers are the one who go to rooms in high school}, I hate enlisting and being able to choose your schedule { Its better off having an assigned room... cause I missed my major class in crs and I might be one of the people running through the halls of AS [near the cr] doing my manual enlistment}... I hate a teacher { sometimes you can't believe teachers... specially when they give you a 5... a 5? as if Ive done nothing... to add more to that I saw my test papers and Ive not failed even once... where did that 5 came from? I oathed to react/ battle /change that specially cause my other grades came too nice... I cant allow the fool to destroy the art in my grade sheet... hmmm}

See... Haven't I been a jynx-kid? Life has been unfair to me... hmmm... I've been a nice good person... Why can't I simply get an equal goodness to pay off for my angelic deeds? It takes too much to accomplish something good, don't they know that? at least a little insentive... please...

Ive been burning time doing everything... It might not be visible... but little by little Im resembling a GC person... Im changing my life... Im giving more time/ effort in my study... but what is happening? Im going down more often because of the stupid goal of achieving an honor... Here is a negative side effect approaching me... because Im turning to GC my standards are higher... means that the chance of failure and disappointment gets higher too... If I was abram-abram... I must not have bothered... and just go on with my life... but its not abram-abram anymore... its abram-gc-abram... 2 letters is a big difference you know... add the additional "-" too...

I hate it... But I'll continue... Im proving something here... I'll eventually see my name at those paper near the entrance to the boy's cr{ I dont understand why the university values the cr and they keep posting things there}... someday... You'll see... hmm... for now... I got to move another step forward... next week is enrollment day... and by that time Im going to transform again....

GC mode...


scion